


Inevitability

by twinkminseok



Category: EXO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:31:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9414128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinkminseok/pseuds/twinkminseok
Summary: November 27, 2016





	

**Author's Note:**

> November 27, 2016

My head is cluttered and I can’t think straight. I feel my chest constricting at the mere thought of expressing my darkest emotions that threaten my daily happiness. Not even the wind can tell me how many days ago I gave my body to someone I used to love. The sparks that would light up within me with a single kiss are now extinguished, replaced by a overwhelming sadness that I cannot overcome. I don’t feel used, like I know I should, no -not at all. I just feel sad? Not sure. There’s a whirlpool of emotions that I can’t comprehend. Sometimes I see it like I have two sides to myself, much like the world we live in. A good and a bad. The bad threatens to spill at the worst situations, in my dreams, and at the back of my head. A snake that injects its venom into my thoughts, contaminating the pureness I’m fighting so hard to keep. The bad reminds me in hushed whispers that I need to please. Please everyone because that’s the only thing I’m good for, the only thing that gives me a valid reason to live. I exist for the sole reason of pleasing others, because I cannot do anything else for society in itself. I know that I am dumb, slow, stupid- I can’t be smarter than the others because they deserve the feeling of superiority accompanied by the knowledge of being better than a nobody. That’s what I am, a nobody. A nobody- I will die without making an impact on the world. I am poor, I am incapable of getting an education, I cannot work, I cannot give birth, I am unhealthy, I am all kinds of crazy, I am sick, I am not beautiful, and I am not pure. I know this. I do not deserve happiness or love because who am I to demand such luxuries if I cannot provide anything in return? For all these reasons and many more I have to please, I need to please so the guilt of living won’t swallow me into an unending darkness. I know I am not beautiful, and I have to be because I need to be. So I starve, I throw up whatever repulsiveness I might have eaten, and I try my hardest to be beautiful. I need to be perfect. They all like my body when it’s perfect so that is what it needs to be. My body is the only good thing about me, I know this. The men that look at me with dull eyes filled with nothing but want and lust and speak in secretive, dark whispers have become something I’m used to. They use me how they want and that is okay because that is my purpose. I let them even when it hurts and even when tears threaten to spill at the sight of blood and bruises, because this is what my body is for. To be marked by hundreds of lustful men seeking nothing but a good night’s worth of pleasure. There is often a wave of sadness and pure emptiness that accompanies the dull pain surrounding my body after these nights, but I suppress it and act like it will be better tomorrow. I can’t let people see me in that state because I can’t make anyone worry, I am not worthy of care. The people I love, my caring friends, I have to make them happy. I feel a wave of relief when I see them smiling, laughing, having fun. They make up the good side of me, the side I find slight comfort in. This side is pure and I feel a solemn comfort being like this. I do everything for the good of others and I am slightly mindful of myself because that makes my family happy. I never break promises, I hold those dear to my heart. I do not lie, although there are times when I lie for the sake of pleasing others. I act pure and sweet, just like how they want me to be. An innocence I feign for the satisfaction of others. Acting has become like second nature to me. I act like I want it and I act like I am happy, most importantly, I act like I am numb. Numb to the horrible feelings that choke me when I’m dirty. Numb to the rumors and the deception of others. Numb to everything, everyone, and anything that threatens my facade from breaking. Deep, deep inside I quietly wish someone would love me and care for me so my only purpose will be to love them back. I know that is the most selfish desire and I do not deserve such amenities, but that is the only wish I allow myself to have. The only thing I hold dear to myself is the withering hope that I will be loved. Impossible, to say the least. I cannot love one person because I will hurt them. Watching them be happy with someone else, someone worthy, is all I can ask for. I know I will die unloved but that is okay, that is what was meant for me. I tell myself that everything is okay. I have come to terms with my life and my purpose. I acknowledge that I have condemned myself into this unbreakable routine and I have no one to blame but myself. This is what I am supposed to be, alive only for others, withering away with a small satisfaction of accomplishment, and a gaping feeling of hollowness. And that is okay because this way of life was inevitable from the beginning, this is what I am good for, this is me.


End file.
